Back when I was 7 weeks pregnant or so, I was spotting. So the doctors had me sit around a lot and not do too much until it stopped. However, by the time it stopped, I was suffering from The Nausea and also The Exhaustion, so I still didn't do very much. Now I am better and, depending on the day, I have more energy.
However, inertia has set in. This is the same inertia, usually coupled with crippling depression, that sets in for me in the winter quite often. I am not cripplingly depressed this time. I am probably a bit depressed, sure - much of what I'm about to describe is classic depressive stuff. But I'm a lot of things right now due to, you know, being pregnant, and I don't feel overwhelmingly "sad depressed" as much as "listless depressed". I just don't really do anything of my own accord, despite having things I could do and theoretically want to do. I'll go out if someone initiates it (and enjoy it, even), I'll make appointments and fulfill obligations - if nothing else, I am wildly responsible, and that is pretty normal for me. ;) But I don't do things just to entertain myself, other than sit in front my computer, or watch TV, or nap. Sometimes I read, but not as much as I wish I did. I often have no motivation beyond what Needs To Be Done.
Mostly I just feel like a boring, lazy bum right now. However, I am told the word "lazy" is just an attack on myself and it is not really helpful for me to dwell on feeling that way, and I guess that is true. So instead, I am trying to break it down.
Instead of placing negative value judgments on the TV, I will use the TV. In front of the TV, I can do some of the things I am not doing - the exercises for my back, the photo album that has been sitting and waiting for attention for ages now, the knitting projects I want to try to do. I actually have no problem with good, narrative-based television, just with the way I've been passively existing lately. So, while watching TV, I will do something a little less passive. Granted, knitting isn't mind-blowingly interesting, but it's a place to start breaking out of the rut I am in. :)
I think another thing that feeds into my behavior lately is this - I am afraid of never being able to "do nothing" again. (On the flip side, I am terrified of not being able to *do* things, but that's another story.) I know that in some ways that sort of fear is justified and in some ways it isn't. But it's so much easier to sit here for ages at a time doing little-to-nothing when I think about the fact that I have days right now where I have no real, pressing responsibilities, and I can do that. I want to take advantage of those opportunities sometimes, because really, once we have a baby, I will always have some responsibility. Also, sometimes I am legitimately really tired and unwell, and on those days I figure it's probably okay to do what I'm doing. But taking advantage of that sometimes, or feeling low-energy on some days, is not the same as making "listless" the theme of my life right now, and I want to get out of that particular place.
Also, I want to use this time to learn Italian with the CDs I bought a long time ago, and henna my hair, and read tons of books, and use the yoga DVD at home, and feel interesting again. Sound good? Yeah, I thought so. ;) (I can't wait for warm weather. It makes me feel so much better, I can't even tell you.)
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