I want it all, dammit.
Mar. 4th, 2010 07:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mangofandangoSo, I don't know what I want.
I mean, here's the thing. We're talking about buying a house, because there is a way we could theoretically do that - Rural Development Loan, dependent upon our buying a house in a rural area. We like this area, it's where Shawn and Meg are, there are many things I like about being near the city but not in it. Also it would be good in one financial sense - we would be spending money towards owning a house, instead of spending money towards absolutely nothing (rent). This would still be a pretty big stretch financially, though, and I am really unsure of the responsibility and wisdom there - it's definitely more financially sound in the where-the-money-is-going way, but less financially sound in terms of how much money there is to go around. The money part scares me because any way you slice it, moving would cost a lot and things would be very tight.
Staying here and renting has many drawbacks. But...I do really like just being able to walk out the door and go places. Before Sophie, I had a great time walking places. Now I think it might be even more important to be able to just throw her in the carrier or stroller and go. I am afraid to give that up. I love being so close to the yoga studio, a coffee shop, groceries, my favorite thrift/consignment store, downtown, etc. And now a good friend is moving like, two blocks away and I was looking forward to that. I can still drive here, and I will, and that will be fine, really...I have just enjoyed this being right in the middle of everything Thing. (Of course, I do not enjoy the traffic, the guy down the street who drag races up our dead-end from time to time, sometimes backwards, or the cigarette smoke that comes up from our downstairs neighbor. So...yeah.)
Related - if I got a job, this whole deal would be easier, at least by a little bit. We'd have better insurance, thus less ridiculous health costs, and even after childcare costs I'd be bringing home a little bit extra. But it turns out I am really, really emotionally torn on this issue. I liked my job and I'd like it again, I think. It might even be good for my mental health, because staying home with the baby all day is not always my favorite thing. But on the other hand - she's my baby! I love her, and I am enjoying a lot about this time with her. I don't want to give it up. I don't want to miss things, and I don't want to see less of her than some other caregiver does. I don't actually trust anyone else to care for her right now, probably partly because of crazy!mommy hormonal/emotional stuff, and partially because she's actually kind of a trick to care for DON'TCHA KNOW. She's not an easy baby and I don't want her to cry and be miserable all day, for the sake of her and her caregiver. That's the only scenario I can envision here, really.
Maybe by the time this comes up, it won't be such a huge issue- maybe I'd be more ready then or she would be, or something. But for now, it feels really Bad to think about. I have fought hard to get her to this point, to understand her needs as well as we do - it's hard for me to relinquish control, and to think about letting go in that way. There's also like, a tidal wave of Guilt about it. Like - Leaving My Baby, you know? (Disclaimer: I know many people don't even have the option to consider this an option, and I may not have that option either if we move. But allow me to agonize anyway, okay? I'm processing, here.)
(All this said, I do intend to go back to work eventually. Like, sometime in the misty future, I do not know when. But.)
All these little conflicts are stressing me out, and making it hard for me to know what I even want at all. Ryan really wants to figure out how to buy a house, and I'm all HEY WAIT HEY WAIT I DON'T KNOW WAIT. I'm stuck. I want all the facts, but even once I have them I am not sure I will know what to do with them.
Tl;dr - CHANGE IS SCARY AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT IT
I mean, here's the thing. We're talking about buying a house, because there is a way we could theoretically do that - Rural Development Loan, dependent upon our buying a house in a rural area. We like this area, it's where Shawn and Meg are, there are many things I like about being near the city but not in it. Also it would be good in one financial sense - we would be spending money towards owning a house, instead of spending money towards absolutely nothing (rent). This would still be a pretty big stretch financially, though, and I am really unsure of the responsibility and wisdom there - it's definitely more financially sound in the where-the-money-is-going way, but less financially sound in terms of how much money there is to go around. The money part scares me because any way you slice it, moving would cost a lot and things would be very tight.
Staying here and renting has many drawbacks. But...I do really like just being able to walk out the door and go places. Before Sophie, I had a great time walking places. Now I think it might be even more important to be able to just throw her in the carrier or stroller and go. I am afraid to give that up. I love being so close to the yoga studio, a coffee shop, groceries, my favorite thrift/consignment store, downtown, etc. And now a good friend is moving like, two blocks away and I was looking forward to that. I can still drive here, and I will, and that will be fine, really...I have just enjoyed this being right in the middle of everything Thing. (Of course, I do not enjoy the traffic, the guy down the street who drag races up our dead-end from time to time, sometimes backwards, or the cigarette smoke that comes up from our downstairs neighbor. So...yeah.)
Related - if I got a job, this whole deal would be easier, at least by a little bit. We'd have better insurance, thus less ridiculous health costs, and even after childcare costs I'd be bringing home a little bit extra. But it turns out I am really, really emotionally torn on this issue. I liked my job and I'd like it again, I think. It might even be good for my mental health, because staying home with the baby all day is not always my favorite thing. But on the other hand - she's my baby! I love her, and I am enjoying a lot about this time with her. I don't want to give it up. I don't want to miss things, and I don't want to see less of her than some other caregiver does. I don't actually trust anyone else to care for her right now, probably partly because of crazy!mommy hormonal/emotional stuff, and partially because she's actually kind of a trick to care for DON'TCHA KNOW. She's not an easy baby and I don't want her to cry and be miserable all day, for the sake of her and her caregiver. That's the only scenario I can envision here, really.
Maybe by the time this comes up, it won't be such a huge issue- maybe I'd be more ready then or she would be, or something. But for now, it feels really Bad to think about. I have fought hard to get her to this point, to understand her needs as well as we do - it's hard for me to relinquish control, and to think about letting go in that way. There's also like, a tidal wave of Guilt about it. Like - Leaving My Baby, you know? (Disclaimer: I know many people don't even have the option to consider this an option, and I may not have that option either if we move. But allow me to agonize anyway, okay? I'm processing, here.)
(All this said, I do intend to go back to work eventually. Like, sometime in the misty future, I do not know when. But.)
All these little conflicts are stressing me out, and making it hard for me to know what I even want at all. Ryan really wants to figure out how to buy a house, and I'm all HEY WAIT HEY WAIT I DON'T KNOW WAIT. I'm stuck. I want all the facts, but even once I have them I am not sure I will know what to do with them.
Tl;dr - CHANGE IS SCARY AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT IT
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no subject
Date: 2010-03-05 01:51 am (UTC)As for going back to work, is there any way you could part-time it? That's what I'm doing and it really works for me right now. The only way I felt comfortable with childcare was having an AP mama I already know and who knows Aesop come over with her toddler and watch him while I teach. Maybe you could find something like that? At least figure out what your childcare options are and how much they'd cost and weigh that against how much you'd bring home in dollars. Sometimes it's not worth it financially (but can be SO worth it in other ways).
no subject
Date: 2010-03-05 03:39 am (UTC)As for work, it probably isn't an immediate emergency, but if we commit to a bunch of debt it's possible it could become one. If I did go back,I think I would go back part-time, because that's about all I can handle at this point. Frankly, I can't even quite imagine, but I know I'd figure it out. I think a childcare situation like you are describing would definitely be most comfortable for me and for Sophie, so that is a thing I will look for.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-05 12:04 pm (UTC)Have you really looked into RD yet? It's not just for rural areas; Burlington counts. RD is just the backer/mortgage insurance company. Plus, since you guys are a family with one income, unless Ryan makes mega-bucks you most likely qualify for the first-time homebuyers grant. There are plusses and minuses to that. The big plus is getting a nice place at a much lower cost than usual; and getting help through the approval process. The big downside is that you're only allowed to make up to a 25% profit on the home when you sell it and you need to sell it to someone else in the program. I have co-workers who did it and are happy with their choice (I didn't qualify, which is BS but whatever; sometimes being single is lame).
I cannot recommend the HUD course more. I know they have one in Burlington once a month. Taking it will give you guys even more options for loans and credits plus they hold your hand through the whole thing. Do eet!! And, seriously, consider buying because it's insanely unlikely that we'll ever have the chance again in our lifetime to get $8k from the government for buying a home.
no subject
Date: 2010-03-06 01:13 am (UTC)The rural development backed 100% loan, which is the one we'd be using, does not appear to apply to Burlington, but it does apply to Williston and a bunch of not-so-rural locations. Upon reflection I think I'll be happy as long as it's reasonably easy for me to get into town, or if there is *something* nearby. We are actually going to look at some places this weekend! We are definitely considering buying, because you're right that it's pretty damn nice to get an $8k coupon from the government, and we do plan to do this sometime anyway, so...yeah. It's just a matter of a) figuring out what we can really afford and b) finding something we like that we can really afford. FINGERS CROSSED, I guess. :)