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May. 11th, 2010 06:44 pmIn light of this whole kerfuffle:
A wise woman ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com], IIRC) once said something very much like this: "Consent is not just the absence of "no". It's a free and enthusiastic yes (YES! YES!)". Actually, she says it with some frequency around VP. It's a thing that comes up often.
Personal responsibility does not mean that you have to prevent your own rape, sexual assault, harassment or even discomfort. It's great if you can shout, scream, fight, push, and otherwise get the hell out of a bad situation. It's also great if you feel able to speak up, during an upsetting event, and say that something is making you uncomfortable and the pressure/activity/etc. should stop. But some people cannot do that. Sometimes, they are too surprised by what's happening, or they feel threatened and like it might be safer to just go along, or they are triggered and simply unable to open their mouths, or just...whatever. These people should not be shamed for that. If someone feels victimized, being asked why they didn't leave faster or shout louder is not helping. Being told they shouldn't have been in that place at that time is not helping.
Sure, it is possible for a person to find out later, despite the best of intentions, that what was happening was not okay for someone who was involved. If that happens, the right thing to do is apologize profusely and immediately. The best thing to do is to make sure beforehand - get that enthusiastic yes. Know your partner or partners are willing and if there is any doubt, check in.
It is heartening to see that there are many, many people talking about rape culture and consent and victim blaming on LJ today and yesterday. It is disheartening to see a few people being obtuse about it, to say the least. I thought I should join in the conversation just a little bit, because it's an important one.
And one more time - even if you are walking down the street naked and drunk, alone, at 2 in the morning, you do not deserve to be raped, nor are you asking to be. If you are raped in that situation, the fault lies with the person who decided to rape you. No, really. It's important and great to talk about safety measures and gauging a situation and doing what one can to protect oneself, but the shame and the guilt gets off here.
A wise woman ([Bad username or site: @ livejournal.com], IIRC) once said something very much like this: "Consent is not just the absence of "no". It's a free and enthusiastic yes (YES! YES!)". Actually, she says it with some frequency around VP. It's a thing that comes up often.
Personal responsibility does not mean that you have to prevent your own rape, sexual assault, harassment or even discomfort. It's great if you can shout, scream, fight, push, and otherwise get the hell out of a bad situation. It's also great if you feel able to speak up, during an upsetting event, and say that something is making you uncomfortable and the pressure/activity/etc. should stop. But some people cannot do that. Sometimes, they are too surprised by what's happening, or they feel threatened and like it might be safer to just go along, or they are triggered and simply unable to open their mouths, or just...whatever. These people should not be shamed for that. If someone feels victimized, being asked why they didn't leave faster or shout louder is not helping. Being told they shouldn't have been in that place at that time is not helping.
Sure, it is possible for a person to find out later, despite the best of intentions, that what was happening was not okay for someone who was involved. If that happens, the right thing to do is apologize profusely and immediately. The best thing to do is to make sure beforehand - get that enthusiastic yes. Know your partner or partners are willing and if there is any doubt, check in.
It is heartening to see that there are many, many people talking about rape culture and consent and victim blaming on LJ today and yesterday. It is disheartening to see a few people being obtuse about it, to say the least. I thought I should join in the conversation just a little bit, because it's an important one.
And one more time - even if you are walking down the street naked and drunk, alone, at 2 in the morning, you do not deserve to be raped, nor are you asking to be. If you are raped in that situation, the fault lies with the person who decided to rape you. No, really. It's important and great to talk about safety measures and gauging a situation and doing what one can to protect oneself, but the shame and the guilt gets off here.
