I know a few of you are still here. Hi, you few. I'll try to say more soon.
I know a few of you are still here. Hi, you few. I'll try to say more soon.
So, thanks to Billy Joel, Paul Simon, Dar Williams, Tori Amos, the "babies don't keep" poem, all of the things I have sung for peace and love and tears this year. I'm a better mother because of those songs and those moments, and even if my genetics betray me eventually, those memories are in my bones and it won't matter if my brain loses them.
This is my list of Enoch's sleeping songs.
"Lullabye" - Billy Joel
"Saint Judy's Comet" - Paul Simon
"Carry" - Tori Amos
"Songbird" - Fleetwood Mac
"Mercy of the Fallen" - Dar Williams
"The One who Knows" - Dar Williams
"Stay Awake" - Mary Poppins ;)
"Anthem for Baby" - Chris Dorman
He sleeps to the Unrepentant Geraldines album, and to a Norah Jones album, and to the Jack Johnson Pandora station in the car.
Sophie's sleep landscape was less peaceful, but I still sing her Morningtown Ride and "Lumina" by Joan Osborne every night, and those are good feelings.
Right now E is sleeping in my lap to the aforementioned Norah Jones album, having been up crying most of the morning. His third tooth is poking through at the corners, and I wish the rest would hurry up. But other than the fact that I have to pee, I'm glad he's finally peaceful...and I'm getting some internetting in. ;)
I feel kind of tortured, broken, creaky and old, and also like crap. It will get better, but right now? I could use a day to collapse physically and kind of emotionally too, and then I would probably be fine. But those days aren't really available to me - and so I am just Really Tired. (The physical demands of parenting are, I think, the hardest for me. The wear and tear stuff, the sleep deprivation, but also just the not being able to physically break now and then.)
All of it is passing and can be addressed except the itching. I am anxious about that. When it was a pregnancy symptom it was hellacious but had a presumed end date - and it did mostly end. But it's back AND WHO KNOWS WHY. I've recently reintroduced all foods to my diet (Sophie's allergens just when I'm out or whatever) so maybe I need to look at that? Food was never an issue for me before, but it's fun how oregnancy and autoimmune stuff mix to create new and exciting problems, and maybe something changed because of that. I don't know. I'm developing a complex.
Ibuprofen and coffee HARDER. Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow we have allergy testing for Enoch. I don't know whether this is the best course of action but it's the one we chose - the alternative being treating him like he is not allergic and responding if he reacts. That is scary, but testing is its own kettle of fish and anyway, there is a feeling of fate hanging in the balance that makes me very nervous.
Sophie is sad for him that he has to get poked (skin testing didn't bother her at all as a baby but she finds it upsetting now). She says she would be happy if he has an allergy because then she wouldn't be the only one, and also she says she would feel jealous if he was able to eat eggs and nuts and she wasn't. That makes perfect sense of course, so I validated that and then we also talked about how when we love someone we want the best for them but jealous and lonely feelings also are okay things to feel and so on and so on...but basically, that conversation told me that anything that happens tomorrow is going to come with a good dose of Feelings.
Oh LJ, I am such a, um, inclement weather friend. App willing (because I am so often holding a baby) I will be back!
That said - it's amazing how much better a rough night looks with enoch than it did with Sophie. Like whoa. A rough Enoch night is like, having to sit up with a gassy squirmy baby who is mostly asleep, just uncomfortable and unable to maintain sleep in a lying down position. And it's not that I sit all night, just more than usual. With Sophie, rough nights were endless and audible from possibly outer space. With Sophie, I wept while bouncing for hours on an exercise ball, despairing of ever sleeping again and stressed about making her into a baby who slept. It's so obviously a mix of baby personality (and cry quality, good lord) varying along with parenting attitudes varying between babies, and it's impossible to know how much better things would have been with Sophie if I didn't fight her so hard. But I can't help thinking about it, and what might have been different if I'd been different then. I think I've written about all this before and probably will again if I keep updating in the middle of the night, sorry. ;)
I feel like I keep saying the same things over and over. Maybe I actually am or maybe I just want to explore the same grooves of my brain and new life over and over until I know them better. Apologies if I'm doing it for real as much as I think I am. I think about writing or talking more than j actually get around to doing those things, so that's a factor.
So. Here I am. It's hard sometimes but infinitely less hard than it was the first time. I'm tired a lot in different ways - for example, physically schlepping everyone everywhere is harder, and I am noticing that my poor introversion is struggling with how rarely I am alone. It's making me more reactive and less interested in social interaction that is any kind of work at all, and I am starting to feel subtle pressure from, like, the world to be ready to see people and do things more again. And I'm still not wanting more then our very full but very family-oriented routine. I like seeing friends at things I'm already going to and Sophie has her regularly scheduled activities that sort of define our days with one car and Ryan at the office, and that's plenty to keep up with along with the work of like, daily life. I'm trying to give myself plenty of room here, and as many afternoons sitting or napping with baby as I can. This week, I am getting a massage. :)
Ok he's had some digesting time - now maybe we can go lie down. :)
It's 1 in the morning and I'm using my phone to keep me awake while Enoch digests a bit He has reflux, so even though he actually likes to sleep, sleep for us is hard because he can't really lie down, especially not within 30-60 minutes of nursing. And, nursing helps him feel a bit better so he nurses a lot. We aren't medicating yet because his doctor says it's probably a physiological development issue and not really about need to lower his acid production, and everything I'm reading suggests other interventions - like enduring the whole upright thing - are best in the long run. So, here I sit. It's not fun and I'm really tired, but this is still so much easier than it was with Sophie. Partly because he is different and probably mostly because we are. It's not scary to me this time - daunting, yes, but not scary - and we have a pretty good system worked out wherein we each take him for a few hours each night do the other can get a bit if decent sleep in chunks. Autocorrect thought I meant "take gin", which may also help. ;)
He's a month old. It seems both incredibly fast and like he's been here forever. The library books we checked out the morning if the day he was born are overdue. Heh. :) it is a different, and beautiful, world for us.
I can't actually see what I'm typing all that well so forgive wacky autocorrect issues. I think we can lie down now, so in going to try!
( baby photo oh boy! )
37 weeks yesterday, AND I have a 5 year old. :) It has been a busy week - lots of birthday fun. Today we are taking it easy, which involves Sophie playing with/reading her new birthday stuff and me laying down and drinking raspberry leaf tea. Because yeah - 37 weeks! While I am all for letting baby come when baby is ready, I'm making sure he feels invited to come AT ANY TIME NOW. Though this is also a week off of the topical steroid, so next week would be probably better. :p That said, if I had all the time in the world to myself I would be spending it eating (gluten and dairy free for at least one more week to see whether it helps my skin), sleeping, walking or swimming, drinking mama teas, doing yoga, having sex and taking evening primrose oil. And whatever else there is that encourages a ready baby to be born! As it is I'm just doing as many of those things as I can fit into a day and hoping 3ish weeks passes quickly. And that I manage not to get staph again in the meantime. :/
Baby is practicing breathing (I saw it on the ultrasound) and is in launch position. We are looking forward to meeting him...
I finally get the prescription for clobetasol filled. The dermatologist prescribed it in liquid form, and told me to buy a pound jar of CeraVe (unscented cream) and mix it in to use it. I bought the stuff and got home and opened the box, and I read the patient info that comes with the clobetasol. And dude, that shit is scary. It's super potent, and in pregnant animals it caused various skeletal, palate and skull malformations at .02 times the human dose (in fetuses). Now I know I am bigger than a rabbit, and also that Raspberry already has a skull and palate and etc., but another risk is fetal growth restriction and that's still an issue, as well as the fact that pediatric patients are more likely to suffer various ill effects of corticosteroids when exposed (I don't know that he counts as pediatric before he's born, but...)
So I am due for a week off of steroids either this or next week. I will maybe take that week off and then sparingly try this stuff for next week (which will be week 35), but ugh. I am uncomfortable using it and also uncomfortable not using it (because they want me to close my skin and stop getting staph infections all the time, understandably). This past week was not bad, because I'm still using my still-scary-but-less-so steroid and antibiotics, so no staph and reasonably controlled eczema! But all that is about to change for the week. :/
I'm also seeing my pregnancy care providers this week, so I'll go over it with them as well and see if they can make me feel better about using it. And I'm trying to get a hold of an acupuncturist to try and get some appointments in soon, because hey, maybe it will help.
In non-skin news...it was a jam-packed weekend and Sophie and I have been laying low today, despite still gorgeous weather, because we are kinda tired. :) We did the farmer's market, a sibling-to-be "class"/celebration, picnic at the waterfront, brief Echo visit, bike-riding practice for Sophie and a stop at the 10th anniversary party for American Flatbread. Phew. The part of me that feels too lazy to walk to the park or something this afternoon is fighting with the part of me that's all IT'S BEAUTIFUL OUT OKAY THE SUN IS HOT BUT SO WHAT. We will see who wins.
So Ryan says good night and turns off the light and leaves, and Sophie and I are in her bed. She immediately says "Let's talk about pregnancy." I asked what she wanted to talk about and she said "pain". Heh.
So we talked a little bit and she mentioned the yelling and screaming she heard in the video, and I asked how she felt about having heard that. She started out saying "happy and kind of funny". (If you ask her how she feels about something and she is uncomfortable, that's kind of where she always starts. Like, happy is safe and "funny" is a euphemism, I guess?) I asked why she thought she felt those things, and she said "Happy because there was a baby being born!" We broke down "funny" a little bit and she started out saying "I don't know why I thought the screeching was a little bit exciting, I guess because it meant the baby was coming out." But after that she got around to saying that it upset her to hear it and it was hard for her to think of me screaming or being in pain.
We talked about a few aspects of that: that I'd done it before to have her and that I was okay even though it was hard, and that I'd have a lot of people to help me when Raspberry is being born, and things like that, and also about her experiences with pain - she seemed to relax a little when she remembered that she screams and cries and yells when she is hurt, as a way of letting the feelings out - I am not sure why that was comforting exactly, but it seemed to be. She said "I have scraped my knees, and I think knee scraping might be the most painful kind of pain because the bones are so hard...but I don't know." I didn't disabuse her of that notion, just agreed that it is quite painful. ;) She talked about the different kinds of pain she has felt. I also acknowledged that it would be hard for her to see me in pain, but asked her how she thought my heart would feel about it while I was in labor. She said "Happy, because you are having a baby!" So okay, we have that part clear I think. ;)
I asked her how she felt about watching our baby's birth now that she had seen some recorded births. She said she still wanted to be there and watch but wanted to know if she could hide for a while if she felt scared. ("if it were in a stream, I could hide behind some bushes! But in the hospital I could hide behind some furniture.") I reminded her she would be with Kelly, so she could hide, or she could get a hug, or she could leave the room if she wanted to. She seemed to feel better being reminded of all of that. :) Before she actually went to sleep, she wanted me to talk about all the good things that would happen after the baby is born, like she will get to see him and tell him who she is and say hi. Heh. :) And then she basically passed out!
So! I think there is a LOT there and it's good we did this now, so that she has lots of time to keep processing it and talking about it - and it'll work in conjunction with the sibling-to-be class we're doing on Sunday. I expect it will keep coming up a lot, but it was interesting to see the floodgates of discussion open INSTANTLY once we were ready for bed. I think this is good stuff!
Other than that particular misery, things are good. We celebrated Ryan's birthday this weekend (it was actually last weekend, but we were visiting family for Easter, so), saw our friends with new baby and went out to dinner with them, and Ryan and Sophie went biking for the first time this season - they had hoped to do Cycle the City with the organized group tour, but it was cold and rainy so they set off with them and came back after a mile or so when Sophie said she couldn't take it anymore. (She speaks very highly of the biking though, it was her first time out in the WeeHoo!)
Raspberry seems well, with his wiggling and kicking. He jumps around a lot when I'm really itchy (mostly when I scratch - I hope he is feeling the happy brain chemicals that come from scratching, and not the distress of the itch). I was almost diagnosed with gestational diabetes, but in the end, I wasn't. I did the breakfast screen, and I failed it by a few points the first time and tested precisely on the line the second time. This should be a relief but honestly, I'm a little paranoid about my blood sugar now!
OK, I have granola in the oven that needs a stir. I just wanted to complain for a minute, and stuff. Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. :)
Anyway, the reason for my post was this: I am noticing that without gluten, I'm all like GIVE ME THE FAT, SUGAR, AND PROTEIN. I am not sure what this means, except perhaps that I was relying on wheat for a lot of my calories? We are a big veggie-and-fruit-eating people, with a fair amount of beans, but we do eat a lot of pasta, bread, flour tortillas, etc., and also a lot of oats (which I cut out this week too, but will add back in soon). I'm also really into the spicy almonds I very carefully eat after Sophie goes to bed lately (she's allergic, so it requires being careful, washing hands and face after, and so on, and until I was pregnant I just generally didn't bring them into the house). Annnnd Talenti salted caramel gelato. Also not Sophie safe, also eaten carefully at night. I feel like some kind of food outlaw.
ANyway, still itchy. But also having interesting eating experiences. Also ALSO looking forward to eating a croissant again. ;)
(I held my friend's 3 week old baby the other day for a little bit. I swear I was less itchy for hours after. Do you think it's some miraculous hormonal shifting treatment for PUPPP? She's offered me daily doses if I want. ;))
I think maybe LJ fandom is too scattered to the winds nowadays to really squee about this with me, but hey, I may go seek some of you marshmallows out. I miss the days of gifs and icons and post-episode exclamation point parties, you know? Over any show, really, even in my ripe old age. ;)
Speaking of squealing with joy: last night I went out with Kelly and Peter for something I have been craving for weeks to months, and.... oh drunken noodle, you were everything I have literally been dreaming of. If I could take my kiddo for Thai food or eat it around her safely (too many peanuts, sadly), I would totally be hitting the drunken noodle hard all the time. In the meantime, I put away an entire vegan makimono platter by myself last weekend after Erin's blessingway. MMMM. We have reached the happy catching-up period in terms of eating food. Heck yes.
Look, reading my teenage writing has made me want to write Journal Entries. hee. :)
On to the exciting part - I am pregnant, whoa! Even though for years I said I wasn't sure if I was going to want another child (I said maybe when Sophie's 5, and lo, she will be 5 when this critter is born!), we eventually decided we did want one more, so this was a planned thing. I am excited to meet this new person, I hope they are growing well and happily in there. Sophie is over the moon, and I'm feeling all emotional about that too. I'm due in early August, and Sophie is a July birthday, so we'll have two summer babies!
We told Sophie about it just before Christmas, because we were about to tell other people - we were staying with Ryan's family and seeing mine for the holiday, and I wanted people to be aware that I was pregnant so they wouldn't think I had the flu or something. ;) (It went pretty well. No throwing up! I sat very still in a ball a lot, and I was not full of energy and spoons, but. :)) Since it was so early, we told her that I was trying to grow a baby, but we weren't sure if it was working yet because we had to have the doctor take a look and make sure it was growing in the right place and things like that. Her initial response was, nervously, "I don't know what I feel about that." And then after a couple of minutes of us saying things, she said "I am not ready to talk about this yet." So we told her that was okay, and we would talk again when she felt ready, but if she had any questions or wanted to talk about her feelings we could do that. And we left it alone. I told my family how she felt about it and no one said anything to her, so that was good. A couple weeks later I had my ultrasound, and she and Ryan came so she could see and hear the heartbeat and stuff. (I debated about this, because of the risk she'd be present for bad news...but in the end we decided that we would work through that if it happened.) She got to see the ultrasound and hear the heartbeat, and by the time we left the office she was ecstatic about everything. She has been ever since! I think she was either unsure how to feel because she was unsure if it was real, or it was something she really wanted and she was nervous it wasn't real...but either way, I ended up being glad we took her.
She has named the fetus Raspberry (because the picture of a zygote in her book sort of resembles one), and she tries to talk to it through my belly button. She whispered into my belly button "Raspberry, I am really going to be your sister." My heart simultanously grew three sizes, broke, and melted. :)
I do think she is suffering some anxiety because of the pregnancy...I was sick a long time and there's also the huge impending life change. She can't name it or talk about it, but she is definitely having more rigid, OCD-type behaviors in the past couple of weeks and we think that's why. I am hoping I can help her process a bit so that things calm down a little.
So I am 12 weeks now, and feeling much better in general. I have had more violent cravings this pregnancy than I remember having with Sophie, in that I do not remember ever being WOKEN IN THE NIGHT by a craving so intense I could not get back to sleep. That night it was a craving for drunken noodle (a spicy noodle dish from the Thai place 20 minutes away...not exactly available to me in the middle of the night!) The other day, I craved vegetables and fruit to the exclusion of all else. I ate brussel sprouts, turnips, starfruit, coconut, and a chia drink for dinner/snack, basically. And a teeny bit of salmon. :) Last night, I longed for watermelon. Today, my craving is for the ridiculously thick and gooey fettucine alfredo that you get from, like, chain Italian restaurants. It is SO INTENSE that I would totally go get some right this minute, except that it is 3:30 and there is nowhere reasonably close that is open and offers that particular thing I so desire...but I am finding it hard to move on. Really hard. A lot hard. OMG.
OK so now that that is out there, I feel like I can speak again. I was being quiet for a long time here because it was like, hanging there over everything. Hi everybody, I am pregnant. How are you? :)
(This time it was "Sweater Weather" by The Neighbourhood. Right? What, no one is a geeky about this as I am? :))
Sophie is Alice when she grows big inside the white rabbit's house. She and Ryan worked on the house together and it is very detailed. It even features a cucumber frame. :) She wore a lion costume this morning to go to a Halloween story time, and to go to the Halloween bike ride (which was awesomely fun).
We enacted our tradition of going to Erin and Jon's house for a pre-party and then going trick or treating together in a mob. :) Also a tradition: the one house on Catherine street with Jell-O shots for the grow ups. Hee. :) Ryan was a ghost, I was Rosie the riveter! It was super likely to rain, but it didn't and it was warm for Halloween - like in the 50s. Basically, it was awesome and I love this holiday.
Happy Halloween everybody!